Sex Matters

Set the scene for yourself.

Before anything begins, take a moment to set up your space. If you’re at home, think about what puts you at ease — soft lighting, a playlist, candles, whatever works for you. Then, give foreplay the time it deserves. Think of oral sex as the main event rather than a warm-up act. “Engaging in a lot of foreplay, kissing, touching, stroking — just getting your juices flowing for a while before oral sex — can help you stay in the moment,” Porter says.

As arousal builds, check in with yourself. Are you comfortable? Is your partner? Is anything in the room pulling your attention away? “Don’t be afraid to cover up,” Porter says. “Keep your top half on or your bra if it helps ease anxiety. Have a pillow or blanket nearby if you feel too exposed or start to get a chill.” Staying in tune with your body is one of the best ways to keep the mood going.

Find your ideal position.

When you’re ready, slide a pillow under your hips and rest your head and neck on one as well. “This will help with your comfort and tilt the pelvis, placing the clit in a more accessible position and giving your partner better, easier access to pleasure you,” Porter says. “Don’t spread your legs too far — about shoulder-width is best, just enough for your partner to fit between them. This keeps the pelvis tighter together and can increase sensation.”

Focus on your breath.

“Many of us take shallow breaths during sex,” Chase says. “Making sure you’re taking nice deep breaths will keep you in the moment and more apt to receive.” Rather than breathing from your chest, try drawing each breath deep into your belly.

Take it even further: “Close your eyes and become absorbed in the sensations,” Porter says. “Feel every breath travel all the way through your body — down to your clit and your toes. Allow yourself to become completely lost in the moment.”

Take charge of your own pleasure.

Once things are underway, stay actively involved. Communication during sex isn’t just useful — it can be a major turn-on for both of you. “Giving them directions in a positive way, like, ‘That feels good, a little to the left,’ should do the trick,” Chase says. “But if they’re not even in the right ballpark, consider a more direct approach. Touch or expose the area you want them to focus on, and say something simple like, ‘Right there.’ It will get the point across immediately.”

Don’t hold back physically, either. “Touch yourself — feel your breasts, slide your hands down your body,” Porter says. “Join in with your partner in turning yourself on. This can really ramp up sensation, and mentally, it helps you let go and become more present in the moment.”

When things intensify, feel free to guide your partner’s head — or hold it in place when they’re hitting exactly the right spot. Grind against their face if that’s what you want. Your partner will welcome the feedback.

If your partner could use some guidance, show them. Masturbate in front of them and playfully tell them they can’t touch yet. “Tease them until they’re literally drooling over you,” Porter says. It’s educational — and it’ll bring you that much closer to the finish line.

Remember: there’s no such thing as taking too long.

“You take the time you take, and that’s that,” Chase says. “Sometimes it’s 10 minutes, sometimes 20, sometimes longer. The point is, feeling rushed to orgasm works directly against your ability to get there.”

If oral sex isn’t quite getting you there, give your partner a breather and switch things up. A couple’s toy might be just what you need to push you over the edge.

“As a couple, you need to remember that you’re having sex for pleasure, and while both of you may be desperate for it to be via a mind-blowing oral orgasm, that just might not be the case this time,” Porter says. “If it ends up being fingers, a vibrator, or something else, that’s okay. Oral will have contributed to bringing you there — it just might not be what delivers the final moment every time.” And if orgasm doesn’t happen at all, that’s okay too. Appreciate whatever pleasure you found, the intimacy you shared, and everything you learned for next time.