Sex Matters

Enter the art of slow sex
I get that some might read ‘slow sex’ and think “that’s boring”, or “what’s the point, sex should be fun, not slow…”

But slow to me, in a fast-paced world that demands our attention in all directions, is exactly what we all need to live a fuller and more expansive life. Slowing down in general can offer more conscious awareness, more presence to every magic moment, and more connection to our needs, our bodies, and our partners.
Slow and steady wins at life.

“Slow and steady wins the race.”
And I truly believe that. Think about it, if we are constantly rushing around, we inevitably miss out on the journey, and can often be swept up off course, forgetting what we are doing and why we are doing it.

The moral of slowing down in our everyday life can most definitely be applied to sex too. I love the quote from Emily Nagoski’s latest book, Come Together, where she says “pleasure is the measure,” encouraging us to let go of the goal of performance and orgasm. And really, what would be so bad about focusing on enhancing quality intimacy, presence of pleasure, and mindful sensuality?

Alongside Nagoski’s work, one of my absolute favourite books on this topic is by Euphemia Russell called Slow Pleasure. They inspired much of my work as a sensual intimacy coach and help to queerly critique our capitalistic heteronormative ways of being:
“At the heart of it, I believe our crisis of pace is actually the result of us masking our disconnection from ourselves, our surroundings and the earth with our busyness. This disconnection is a threat to our connection to self, each other, and our pleasure.”

So not only are we “too busy” for slow sex, but we are even using our prescribed busyness to avoid the reality of our disconnected lives. This is a symptom of the system we live in. We are brought up to be disconnected and numbed from our bodies, in order to live in our heads.

This separation of head from body is enforced to keep us as hard workers, to not feel too much, to keep going even when our bodies are literally screaming for us to slow down and stop.

So, how do we begin to reclaim a sense of presence and aliveness through sex itself?

Why slow sex: 3 benefits of slow sex
If what I’ve shared so far wasn’t already enough to convince you that slow sex is something to explore, here are three solid reasons you might want to give it a go.

1. More intentionality
   By slowing things down in the bedroom, we automatically get to be more intentional with what we are doing. This helps us become clearer about why we want to engage in sexual intimacy, as well as pausing to reflect on what our turn-ons and turn-offs are.

The more we practice slow sex, the more intentional we become with getting our needs and desires met, and the more we get better at communicating these to ourselves and our partners about what feels good and what doesn’t.

Learning what truly turns us on—and what slows us down—is at the heart of more satisfying intimacy. When we set an intention before we connect, that simple act can gently shape the entire erotic experience, giving it more depth, presence, and pleasure.

Many of us were taught that “real sex” means penis-in-vagina, full stop. But what about all the other deliciously sensual experiences that deserve just as much of our attention—touch, breath, gaze, fantasy, teasing, and everything in between?

Think about it, if we contemplate how erectile dysfunction often leads to the “end of sex” and potentially two unhappy bunnies… Imagine what would sex look like even without an erect penis? How could we continue pleasure by incorporating the entire body, and bringing in tantric forms of erotic connection, such as eye gazing or non-goal-oriented genital massage?

2. More pleasure
   Slowing down sex allows for our nervous systems to also slow down and get us out of fight, flight, and freeze, whereby we might be rushing through to “get it over with” because we aren’t actually present to what is happening.

Our arousal response system sometimes needs to catch up (this is called arousal non-concordance). For example, we might be mentally turned on, but the body hasn’t relaxed enough to produce natural lubrication. So if we take into account that it can take up to 20 mins of stimulation for the clitoris to be fully engorged, meaning if you want to experience bigger and stronger orgasms, it’s actually ideal to slow down and take your time to build up arousal.

I love Russell’s book for bringing in very real and very accessible exercises to help us drop into our bodies:

“Think of an example of when you get shocked and freeze. Like when you drop something, if someone honks at you, or when someone surprises or frightens you. These are small examples of when our bodies shift states very rapidly, and we can sometimes feel stuck in that state even though we know we’re now safe. Next time, try shaking your body like a wet dog, laughing it off, or moving in a way that can allow your body to bring in some movement. This is you practising shifting nervous system states! You’re doing it!”

By shaking your body we offer a sense of safety by completing the stress response cycle and allow for even more pleasure to occur.

3. More connection
   Not only does slow sex allow us to be more intentional, and enhance our pleasure, but it also tends to the connection between us and our needs, our bodies, and our partners.
   While some may have sex quickly because they enjoy the connection that often comes after, such as blissful cuddling or pillow talk, slowing down sex can be a great way to connect in and of itself if we simply pay attention to it.

The fear here is perhaps the vulnerability that it takes to slow things down, to be present with all of the emotions and sensations can sometimes be too much for those who are living in autopilot or an anxious state for much of their lives. By choosing to connect from moment to moment, we are developing the skills of deeper connection to life in general, as well as the person in front of us.

Remember vulnerability is a strength!

Now that we’ve explored why slowing down matters, how do we actually do it in practice?

How to Slow Sex Down: 3 Tips for Deceleration
Okay, so now we’ve covered a few reasons why slow sex might be something you want to add to your repertoire, let’s explore how one may implement this art of sensual intimacy.

1. Being intentional
   Before we even jump in the sack, it’s essential to ask yourself: “Why do I want to slow down my sex?”
   Perhaps it’s to get clear on your desires, to enhance your experience of pleasure or orgasms, or it could be to deepen your connection with self, others, and life in general.

Knowing the answer to this question will be important in helping you set your intention beforehand, and in turn this will help guide and shape the experience you will have.

Furthermore, if we redefine and expand our definitions of what sex is, beyond the genitals, beyond the physical even, we can begin to slow down the buildup of arousal for hours, and maybe even days. That intention is the key to enhancing the intimacy and stretching the experience out for longer-lasting pleasure.

2. Breathe into pleasure
   Speaking of pleasure, it’s essential to know that your breath is your best friend when it comes to slow sex. The slower and deeper you breathe the more pleasure you can expand into.
   Our experience of time can literally be altered by how we associate with our breathing. You know that feeling like life is running away from you, or you feel like time is running out, that might be to do with how fast our breathing is as it’s activating the fight, flight, freeze part of the nervous system.

Elongating our breath, and focusing on the exhale, can feel like it’s slowing down time. It also allows for more oxygen to be sent to the genitals and other erogenous zones. Our mind can stop racing, and our bodies can relax, allowing for more capacity for presence and notice what is happening from moment to moment.

You can practice this with different breathing techniques, such as inhaling for a count of 4, holding for a count of 2, and exhaling for a count of 6. You can even try this right now: Place a hand on your chest and another on your lower belly. Feel the rise and fall of your body as you lengthen your exhale, and just witness how this shifts your awareness.

3. Sensorial body scan
   Building on your awareness can also be explored using the five external senses and your internal felt sense of your physical and emotional body.
   This sensorial body scan is another core element of the art of slow sex. You can try this now by scanning your surroundings:

• Using your eyes to see what’s happening, what colours, shapes, textures you are drawn to;
• Using your ears to hear what sounds are turning you on, what moans, sighs, and body noises there are;
• Using your skin to feel what sensations are pleasurable to you, what temperatures, textures, pressures;
• Using your nose to inhale the air and smell the aromas around you;
• Using your tongue to taste the flavours that delight you.
  Now you’ve scanned the external world, the next key step is body scanning your internal world to simply observe what’s going on inside; where you feel more tense, and more relaxed, locating where you feel pleasure, or pain, and allow yourself to sink deeper into the body, making any adjustments where necessary.

Slow sex and sensual intimacy is an art
What is really important to take away is that slowing down isn’t about doing less, it’s actually about feeling more. When we choose presence over performance, we reclaim our bodies as places of wisdom and wonder… one breath, one touch, one moment at a time.

In this fast-paced world, let yourself redefine sex to benefit your natural pace and rhythm. Let yourself sink into a deeper relationship with yourself and others. Let slow sex expand and enhance every drop of pleasure on your tongue.